Never Make Eye Contact

I have a lot of friends that could tell you stories about my first few months in New York and all the dire mistakes I made…   Get your mind out of the gutter!  I’m talking about making eye contact with crazy people.

There was the time I got slapped in the face by a man with nubbins for fingers, the time I was pinched in the ass after some crazy dude told me the tattoo of a naked lady on his arm was a tattoo of me, the time in Tompkins Square Park  a guy told me fat chicks only get boned because people feel sorry for them, the time when… I think you get the picture.

So like I just really try not to make eye contact with homeless people.  It’s a skill I think New Yorkers must master, how to look at a crazy person without them catching you.  And its haaaaaaaaaaaaard.  They can feel it, its what they live for.  That moment of eye contact when the Engage button is pressed and they feel they have the go ahead to sit across from you on the train pretending to shoot you for 45 minutes.

So yesterday as I’m walking to work I’m faced with a dilemma… from afar I can see that there is a crazy man standing on the corner, hand outstretched.  Only from what I can tell, he’s not holding up a cup for money, he’s holding up his middle finger.  Could this be true?!  Could this amazing man being flicking people off at 9am on the corner of 34th and 8th?  I couldn’t look away.  I had to know.  And sure enough.  I not only got the middle finger… as our eyes met, I got a “fuck off” too.  Best. Morning. Ever.



Filed under crack heads!

3 responses to “Never Make Eye Contact

  1. kelly

    joe and i were *just* talking about when you got finger slapped the other day…hilarious.

  2. jen t

    nuh uh! the crazy naked lady tattoo said it was ME! i’m pretty sure the guy in tompkins square park was talking to me too, sigh. and i’ll repeat and put on the record, because clearly you’re not listening, never look crazy in the eye.

    • sheshalltalk

      Okay okay, the naked lady tattoo was you (he did pinch me in the ass though when we were getting on the train). I changed the story for the sake of the blog. But the guy in the park was talking to both of us! And until just now I forgot that he also gave us a speech about why he loves lipstick lesbians.

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