Live Blogging the Bachelor Finale (and posting it later)

Okay so I should have started right at the beginning but better late than never.

So far I’ve felt bad for Melissa twice.  Once when I thought about how if the rumors are true (she gets dumped for Molly at After the Rose) that’s gonna suck and then again when she baby talked with Jason’s kid.  Ew.

However I quickly realized that his kid might be retarded.  Jason brought out a baby lamb and the kid, who is WAY too old to use a baby talk voice, called it a sheep.  Jason corrected him, told him it was a lamb, and then when asked what he wanted to name it.  Tye picked the name Sheep.  Melissa and Jason pretended it was a great name.  NO.  See this is why I can’t have kids.  I would have bitch slapped that little fucker and called the LAMB Jack.

Now she’s meeting his family and Jason’s talking about how he didn’t meet hers.  Boring.  Maybe I do like that kid, he’s the only thing that has stirred emotion in me.

Jason is clearly a happy accident for this family.  He’s hardly hot, but much hotter than the rest of them.

Why is everyone obsessed with him not meeting her parents.  He’s not marrying her parents.  Also why is everyone acting like that’s the deal breaker.  Like, the deal breaker is falling in ‘love’ on the bachelor.  I mean ONE couple has ever lasted.

You know what I always wonder… how do these people go back to their jobs after sucking face on national TV?  Like can you just show up at the school you teach at or the real estate firm you work at (yeah that’s what they all do) and be like “heeeeey!  I know you saw me participating in a whore fest last week, please look at me with respect now.”

I hate Molly.  She looks like a rabid cartoon character.  I don’t know what that is, but that’s what she looks like.  Like enough with the purple Prince.  Ew.

Oh good here comes that dumb kid again.  He can win back my affection if he’s mean to the rabid cartoon.  Until my last dose of Tye, I thought it was weird that people made a big deal about Jason loving his kid… its like yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to go.  But now I get it. I wouldn’t have kept him.

Okay Tye was mildly rude to Molly.  Keep it up kid. YES!  He won’t throw her the frisbee.  Throw it at her not to her.  Oh he likes her now.  We’re OVER kid.

More baby talk from the girls.

COMMERCIAL BREAK WITH EMILY:

Emily: thai needs to get rid of his attitdue. ha

me: haha i hate him

Emily: he is awful

I don’t understand why people don’t get more drunk.  Like this relationship isn’t going to last, so booze it up!

A good point made by Jen… Why is it his brothers’ responsibility to worry about his relationship?  If there was any time they should have intervened it was when he decided to do this show.  Or as soon as Molly walked through the door they should have looked him, given him the thumbs down and shouted FAIL! Bitch can’t even do her hair.  it’s called a brush.  use it.  Melissa did.

Woah there be some ears on Jason’s sister.

Fuck I hate Tye even more… Emily just called him Thai… which made me think of Pad Thai… which made me hungry.

I can’t wait for Deanna Papsmear to come back.  Also how emotionally difficult is this finale going to be?  Do I need to have my therapist on hold?

Shit I missed melissa’s date while making food and now I just have to watch the rabid cartoon again.  My sources say Melissa did not give a gift.  These ho’s always give the dude a scrap book.  This is why I love Melissa.  She may be the first girl in Bachelor history to not give the guy a glittery scrap book that says “I Love You!!!” on it.

I bet Molly is wearing green eyeshadow to match that fugly coat.  oh wait, maybe she always wears the busted purple eyeshadow.  Hey Molly, its not 1992.

Really he could stare at her eyes all day?  and her smile?  She’s rancid and she has cankles and she consistantly is wearing the worst outfit at rose ceremonies.  I challenge somebody to actually root for this beat.

Oh wow chicken stir fry.  How’d you make that Molly Stewart? HERE COMES THE SCRAP BOOK!!!  I FUCKING TOLD YOU!  It’s a story or whatever and there’s no glitter… but i fucking called that shit.

And when they say I love you!  It’s like no, you love the free trips and romantic dinners and having months off work.  They are in love for all the same reasons 23 year olds think they love 89 year old Millionairs… only the bachelor isn’t footing the bill ABC is, so the money dries up pretty fast.

COMMERCIAL BREAK WITH SANDY BULLOCK
I thought she’d participated in every story line romantic comedy has to offer.  But I guess not.  She’s got a new movie coming out where she marries for a green card.  Do you think they fall in real love in the end?

okay here comes Deanna Papsmear.  I cannot effing wait.  YES YES.  There’s my ho.  Why is she wearing a carpet?  Wait Jason just said “our break up”… like you weren’t DATING you were competing.  You didn’t break up.  You lost.

Oh good Tye is back.  they are jumping on things.  Tye has Jason’s sister’s ears.  They must be Mesnick ears.  Maybe Jason has them too and I just can’t tell because his too-close-together eyes distract me.

Jen and I want to know when he does the crazy crying over the balcony thing.

Oh god.  Molly just ratted her hair.  Seriously go back to 1992, find Prince, date him.  and her dress, of course, is purple.

Okay here we go… It’s Molly.  See ya lata suckaaaaaaa… Til After the Rose when he picks her ass over Melissa.   Oh yeah Melissa goes down at After the Rose.  Molly is not even sad, she’s fucking PISSED.  He told her he was going to pick her and didn’t.  I think I even saw her shoot a dirty look to the crew filming them.

Although, maybe Jason just saw the foopah she’s rocking in the dress and changed his mind.  He doesn’t wanna get banged by somebody with a foopah.  All the smacking would keep Tye up at night.

Yes its the crying over the balcony scene.  Mollie is p.o.’ed.  Jason is crying.  They are setting us up for feeling sorry for their asses.  She better tuck the foopah in at the After the Final Rose show or he’ll just re-pick Melissa.

He is such a dopey fuck.  I’m glad this is ending the way it is.  Melissa can do a lot better.  Like i want her to win, but its just too bad for her that Jason is the prize.  Well Jason AND his dumb kid.

It does warm my heart though when they get happy and say the loves stuff to each other.  I’d like to pretend it doesn’t but Jen would probably leave a comment about how that’s a lie.

Wow this is so awkward.  I got teary eyed but then in the following interviews it became clear that Jason is not a happy camper.

Haha.  Private After the Final Rose, no audience but broadcast to the entire world. Wait I thought this was going to be like scandalous and this is actually like totally inappropriate.   Wow Jason is going to dump Melissa on national TV, this is so inappropriate.  What a fuckwad.  Now I see where his kid gets it from.  Like I get making a wrong choice but DON’T AIR IT ON TV.

Chris just told him “I know you’re a good guy”.  Um no.  He’s not a good guy.  He’s a product of reality TV.  AND he just said “I wonder what advice I’d give Tye and I’m following that.”  Like oh, really?  You’d tell your kid to dump their fiance on national TV?

He’s going to ask Molly for forgiveness.  She totally loves sloppy seconds she’ll take him back.  Melissa is out now, Jason is telling her he feels ‘different’.  He’s said that word 8 times now.  I hope she fucking smacks him.

He’s saying he didn’t think there was any capacity in the world to fall for two people.  Isn’t that what happens EVERY episode of this show.  17 or 18 or however many times in a row somebody has fallen for two people.  do some g.damned research.

OH DAMN!!!  She just schooled his selfish ass.  I’m going to marry Melissa.  And Chris Harris is just laughing.  He’s like so over this shit.  Haha.

That was a break up for 2009.  “Don’t call me, don’t text me.”  I love Melissa.   I can’t stand listening to the rabid cartoon talking and she’s ratted her hair again.  I guess I should be happy, they deserve each other really, they should just be stopped from reproducing.

Ugh I’m repulsed.   He’s saying he doesn’t want to be insincere.  Um, and you’re doing this on national TV?   NOT SINCERE.  OMG.  She’s going to take him back.  This had better be in his contract, because if he’s doing this because its who he really is then she should wet fart on his face.  If he can prove the producers made him do it, then she should wet fart on their faces and go home and have loud, foopah smacking sex with Jason.

Oh and she’s excited, and she’s touching his leg, and she’s confused and blown away.  You know what, good, go for it.  and now they are hand holding.  This is shameless.  Oh and now they’re kissing.  This is SO SO SO SO fucked up.   Well they’ll be broken up by next week.  So whatever.  Oh Chris Harrison just called it historic.  It’s not historic.  It’s sad and pathetic.  i can’t believe I blogged this crap! I should have blogged the last Girls Next Door.  At least that’s some good wholesome all american fun.

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1 Comment

Filed under Reality TV

One response to “Live Blogging the Bachelor Finale (and posting it later)

  1. Christine

    ok, I only started watching the bachelor this season. are you live blogging? bring it back beyotch.

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