I missed you. Oh you too!

home visits?  What is WRONG with these parents?  If I EVER said to my mom “hey i’m going on reality show to mee the love of my life will you meet him?”  I think my mom would rightly say ‘no.”  Just that.  No.  And you know who else would say no?  my dad. And you know who else?  my brother.  Like where on Earth do they find these horrid humans?

EVEN EVEN if a mother watched the show and loved it, wouldn’t a sense of maternal normalcy swing in and tell you to say to your child “NOOOOOOOOOO! This never works.”  Especially this crazy train Jake.  If I brought a Jake home my parents would just DIE.

God.  This show.  Tinley?  Really?  ”I only had sex with my husband and then he cheated”…. NO SHIT!  Nobody…. yo woman… nobody just sleeps with one person forever. “My ex husband never saw me dance the dance I had in my heart.”  Vomit.  Hahah.

Oh. so terrible.  I’m horrified to admit this, but on Live! with Regis and Kelly they do a segment called Bad Regis where he plays an evil devil on the shoulder of the Bachelor…. and frankly its AMAZING.  They did a whole montage of her saying “I don’t want to talk about my husband” followed by husband comments with regis making snarky comments on the shoulder.  And then when she danced he was ON the dance floor going ‘you feel as awkward as we do, nobody wants to watch her dance”.  I’m sorry  Bad Regis RULES.

Why Is Network Television Ruining My Life?

So I know I’m one of five people that still watch network TV.  But I don’t have cable.  So that network TV also includes late night TV.  And guess what.  I actually watched Conan,  I’ll admit to switching to letterman for the sex scandal, but otherwise I’m legitimately team Coco.  Test me.  So first I deal with this NBC crap-ola.  Sad.

But then ABC goes and fucks with my Ugly Betty.  SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE HER BRACES OFF YET!!!  God.  And like, obvs I love the show.  But I love all the actors who were re-born because of it.  Vanessa Williams?  ”just when i thought the chance had passed, you go and save the best for last”.  I’m pretty sure Andy Johns and I slow danced (arms out, no butt touching) to that song at the 8th grade dance.  And if not, I just imaginary danced to that song with him in my room.  Either way, it brings back really romantic memories.  Eric Mabius?  Who didn’t love the dollhouse?  And don’t get me started on Michael Urie and Beckie Newton… who weren’t really re-born but gathered mass appreciation due to this show.

I’m bummed.  Ugh.  Now I only have like 17 shows I really care about instead of 18.

I’m Thrilled that Jake is the Man I Dreamed up in my Head

I had some serious problems day/episode 1 of this crappy bachelor.  I mean A:  Jake?  Really?  Give me a break!  B: All the sequins?  I maybe missed something, but are those back in?  C:  One is a 30 year old nanny?  One is an Entrepreneur?  Is that a job outside of The Real Housewives of New York/Atlanta/OC?  4:  I know they do an extensive questionnaire with the incoming bachelor/ette about what kind of person they are interested in, Jake (really?  I mean really?  He’s nuts/boring) clearly indicated he’s interested in retards, pretty retards.  These women are so stupid I can’t even stand it.  Yet I am.  Bachelor, damn you for crossing the line frome semi horrible/amazing to just plain horrible without blinking an eye.  First that damn bear and then my bachelor goes down the drain?  And I mean far down the drain.  The last few seasons it was minor shit.  This is major shit.  I’ll watch it.  But I’ll pretend I don’t.

UPDATE!  I don’t mind that girl hooking up with the camera man, cuz this dude is laaaaaaaaaaaame bears.

UPDATE! (expect more I guess):  Chicago makes a surprise appearance on a date.  I have serious beef with Chicago.  Those fuckers made me miss a train at Port Authority because they are… so cool they play at Port Authority mid day on a Wednesday?  Fine it fits, publicity whores play music for whores. great.

I Hate New York… oh shit i mean brooklyn

There is so much about New York that is so douchy and cliche and trite and a lot of times you find all that manhattan crap times 10 in brooklyn.  But I’ve justified my life in brooklyn because in its friendly, and the food is so good, and the claustrophobia is so much less.  And then this happens.  I don’t get this.  And frankly fuck you if you do.

And Daily Candy… I’ve hated you for a long time.  Now  I double hate  you.  You are no longer ruining what’s good, you are officially trying to make actual shit, actual nothing, good.

More tomorrow.  Drunk now.

Whoops

It’s been a REAL long time.  Uh oh.  All ten of my fans are probably pissed.

Sorry.  I think the problem is I tried to tweet.  I know its quick and its cool, and pretty soon it will be the only way to know what people are doing.  but it totally paralyzed my need to communicate mundane facts about my life to complete strangers.   I already do that over facebook and this blog… and then I was supposed to TWEET about it?  NUH-UH.

So i’m done tweeting (or opening twitter and reading what Brooke Hogan is up to and then logging off, which is the only thing I used it for),  I’m just blogging.  Maybe I’ll tweet the link to this blog.  But that’s probably even too much for me.

Anyway… i also was thinking about something today as I walked through the streets in flip flops, baggy jeans and no umbrella in the pouring rain:  Why do homeless people always have better rain gear then me?  It’s not fair.  They are always prepared!  Not for snow… in the snow they never have shoes.  And not for summer either… i saw a guy outside my office in three sweatshirts and snowpants this summer.  But they are always ready for rain.   I find it strange.  And I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

July, Consider this a warning

Fuck you July.  I told you to watch yo’ self.  So far you have killed my phone and Oscar Mayer.  Thanks for the good weather.  I’ll give you that.  But consider yourself on probation.

I Have a Problem

I think we all know at this point that I kind of  love reality TV, and specifically the bachelor/bachelorette.  So, i would just like to put it out there… I might have a legitimate crush on Ed. Double photos… mistake but it stays.

UPDATE:  Somebody just notified me that this guy looks like a real douche.  And until that happened i had totally forgotten about this post… because I was deep in a bottle of wine when I wrote it. So for those of you who agree that he’s a douchebag, or if you’re my boyfriend… mainly if you’re my boyfriend… I was totally wasted when I wrote this.

Dear June,

Please don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.  Worst. Month. EVER!

I mean it wasn’t entirely terrible,  You did bring us the iPhone update and a few people I like were born within your days, I got to see Mollie and my dad, and ate steak at peter lugars… but even during those few monents of fun… IT FUCKING RAINED.  FYI, people don’t like rain, its depressing and wet and keeps us inside.  It makes people grumpy and they fight and they hate their jobs (even more).

And if the rain wasn’t depressing enough, you started killing people June, and that’s just morally wrong.  I was willing to overlook David Carradine but Farrah, Michael and Billy Mays all in 3 days.  That’s just psycho. And then, just when I thought it was over… you close Cafe Montmatre?  It’s fitting really, that you are the closing month for the place where i discovered  my summer drink (Pinot Grigio) so many years ago.   Way to try and fuck up summer.

I’m cc’ing July on this.  So July, be warned.  If you rain out any shows, kill any icons, or prevent me from bbqing I will come after you.

The REAL Story of the Burning Bush

Growing up as Jew I heard the story of God appearing to Moses as a burning bush many a time.  I always assumed by ‘bush’ the torah meant shrubbary.  Today something happened though, that makes me re-think this assumption.

As I was walking home from the train a crazy and/or drunk man approached me (as they often do) and informed me of this: “My father is dead.  But its okay because he up in heavin’ eatin’ lots of bush”.

You heard it here first… God’s hangin out in heaven with a whole different kind of burning bush.

This is My Coat

So I’m like, not a great dresser.  Jeans (currently ripped in the crotch and fuck yes I am at work), t.shirts (often black), flannels and hoodies.  That’s kind of it.  Like I’m not even a hipster, I”m too lazy to be a hipster.  It’s more like a ten year old boy… with boobs.   But I do have several items of clothing that I get compliments on.

Shockingly people usually like my dresses (I have fucking clue how this happened), my heels, and my jackets.  I have really good jackets, and vests for that matter.  Now I have this one Jacket, it’s so fucking cute.  Every time I wear it people are like “I love your jacket where’d you get it?!” (5 years ago, urban outfitters, thanks Lizz).  Unfortunately that all changes when I turn to walk away and people realize the pleat in the back has come to look like a HUGE VAGINA.  See for yourself:

I mean.  There’s just no mistakin it.  Vagina Coat.